We are studying the parenting method, "Love and Logic" in our Sunday school class (Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood by Jim Fay & Charles Fay...available at Amazon for $17 bucks). It's an interesting and popular 'how-to' sort-of guide if you're looking for one in rearing your child, but that's not the focus of this post...another day perhaps.
At the end of our class, Chris, our associate pastor who, with his wife Whitney, uses a few of the Love and Logic tips, suggests that we all read this 'poem' to close. Turns out the work was written by Khalil Gibran who was one of my Mother-in-Law's favorite poets. Gibran was a Lebanese American poet, writer, artist, philosopher and theologian who lived in and just beyond the turn of the 20th century.
Betty Jean, my mother-in-law, turned me on to Gibran shortly before she died. After she died, we found a worn, obviously well-read book of his poetry that my sister-in-law, Amy, said Betty Jean read daily. I began reading his work and found him simply stated, insightful and, in many cases, inspirational. He is the author of the famous phrase,”If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don't, they never were." This one was of use to me during college...guess that one wasn't meant to be!
The following philosophy reminded me of the best piece of advice I've ever heard in regards to raising children: do not put your feelings on your child. I found this comforting. When I heard this, the example used was dropping kids off at daycare/school. Often the Mother is sad because they have to drop their child off and they assume that because they are sad, the child is too. But, when observed, they learned that while the Mom was sad all day, the kids were having a blast, even the ones who cried and didn't want to be left at the begining of the day. Once the Mothers in this study realized this, they were no longer sad to drop off their kids which made their kids happier so, the cycle stopped. This hit home with me because I was one of those crying kids. I was trying to manipulate my Mother because I was a shy kid, but I can tell you...daycare was one of my fondest memories and probably the best thing my parents could have done for me. That's a little bit of a sidenote, but I hope it helps those parents who drop their kids off at daycare/school.
With all of the above in mind, here is Gibran's philosophy:
On Children
Kahlil Gibran
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let our bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.